mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
