he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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