I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
