The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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