My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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