I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
