He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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