you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
