pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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