you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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