Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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