i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
