If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
