I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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