my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
