i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
