I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
