You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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