So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
