Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
