I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We don't watch enough power rangers
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize