Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
