"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
