You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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