I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
