Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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