It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my shit smells like andre
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
