Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
