Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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