Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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