grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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