Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
