You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
