hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I need water and some morals
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
