Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
