No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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