U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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