I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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