peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
