I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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