i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
