your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
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I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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