Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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