I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
