she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
