remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
