I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Watching her eat just hurts me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
