So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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