K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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