You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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