two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
