ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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