is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
