well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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