I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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