As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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