I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
